I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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