I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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