Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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