I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
