Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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