God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
