And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
