I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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