Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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