Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
