I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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