1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
