OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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