Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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