i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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