Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
