4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
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To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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