You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
