I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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