i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
