I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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