Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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