Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
