Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
