only if we run a train.
done.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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