I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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