Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
