i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
