The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
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Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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