At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
