Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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