hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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