Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
