Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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