Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
