You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
