He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's shark week go big or go home
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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