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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
