your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
