So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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