Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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