Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
