Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
