I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You can't special order awesome
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm too high and old for this...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
