dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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