Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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