i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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