Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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