his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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