this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
