9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize