Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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