okay pat passed out under dana's car
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
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running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.