tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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