Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Send help, water and tortillas.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
