One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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