I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
