i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
