Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Found the puke drawer
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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