Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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