can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
