Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
